Bernardo left me

I didn't expect this to happen

For the first time, I had the house to myself.

Bernardo had left to film on Værøy, a small island south of the Lofoten. I would have loved to join, but we also believe in giving each other space for solo adventures. That’s how we met in the first place: both of us traveling alone. We always said we wanted to keep that part of ourselves alive.

So no worries. Sooner or later, I’ll make him jealous too ;)

I was actually looking forward to be here alone. To move through my own routines, to cook dishes Bernardo doesn’t like, and just to experience this life alone, without compromise.

During those days, my mother turned sixty.

Back home, my family gathered to celebrate. I stood in the corner of their living room through my sister’s phone. We toasted, exchanged gifts, and watched a film made by friends and family, filled with personal messages and birthday wishes. It really felt like I was there with them.

I stayed on the call for hours, until they eventually left for dinner.

The silence that followed felt different from what I had expected. I had been looking forward to being alone, but didn’t expect to feel lonely...

Of course, living abroad comes with this. I’ve accepted that I miss out on things like birthdays and other small, ordinary moments back home. It’s part of the deal, and I’ve learned to live with that.

But still, the contrast between my family gathering together while I was here on my own made me feel a little sad.

I love where I live now. I love that you can hear when the birds start singing again. But it’s that silence that makes the contrast feel bigger. And at times, it makes me long for the opposite.

I don’t think it’s homesickness. It’s something softer than that. Just the awareness that even the places we choose for ourselves will never give us everything. Those places simply don’t exist.

This might sound ungrateful, but I don’t mean it that way. I think every life eventually becomes ordinary. And once it does, the harder parts become more noticable. The things you long for or the things you miss.

It’s no different here. In my case, it’s missing the people I love, living their lives in the bustle of the city. At times I long for them and for that city life, even though I wouldn’t hesitate to choose this life again.

The grass is always greener…

and I guess it always will be.

When Bernardo came home, he said, “Wow, spring came fast…the garden is so green!”

So I guess I’m in the right place after all :)

Thank you for coming along!

Jule Noah